After having a conversation with a recently married friend, a not so happily married relative, and a recently single acquaintance, I decided to address that pesky ultimatum. Yeah, that one! The “marry me or else” ultimatum!!!!!
Now, I’m a big girl so I can admit that I may have hinted, subtly, and not so subtly stated my desire to be married in previous relationships but I don’t think I’ve ever taken it as far as to give “The Ultimate Ultimatum”. Yet, I know a few people that have and maybe it’s just me but it seems this one never ends well.
Fellas, you know what I’m talking about all too well don’t you? It’s that dreaded conversation that is had after your girl has thrown hint after hint at you about her want/need to get married. She’s attending the weddings of several friends and been the consummate bridesmaid which leaves her daydreaming about her walk down that aisle with you……the brother who isn’t ready for that commitment.
So you do the normal shuck and jive by telling her you love her ….she’s the one…. But you just aren’t ready for marriage yet. That’s followed by the litany of questions and accusations like:
Why?
You don’t wanna spend the rest of your life with me?
Is there somebody else?
What are you afraid of?
How much longer do you expect me to wait?
Oh, there are a host of other questions that could go along with this ultimatum but we’ll just stick to the short list.
Now, considering she has invested so much time and emotion into this relationship, chances are even if she tells you the consequences of not marring her, she will continue to wait in hopes that you will soon come around. Meanwhile, you know you are on borrowed time and you either want to be with this girl or you don’t.
Now, if you could care less about making her your wife then the outcome won’t matter much to you but if you are really feeling this woman and can’t imagine your life without her, you’ve got decisions to make. I suggest quickly because here’s what begins to happen when a woman senses no movement on your part.
Option 1:
She will settle into the lifetime girlfriend role but become bitter that you didn’t wife her.
Option 2:
She will nag you until one of the two of you can no longer take it and the relationship fails.
Option 3:
She will not say anything else to you about marriage. She will silently wait, build up her bank account, and leave you a Dear John letter that explains why she’s taken her stuff which leaves the home you once shared completely empty and moved on with her life.
Now, I won’t sit here and say that giving in and getting married when you aren’t ready just to keep the one you love will end in marital bliss because chances are, if he really isn’t ready, your marriage will likely end in disaster.
But, if you really love this woman and have every intention of spending the rest of your life with her, the waiting until you are emotionally and financially ready game could backfire on you. You may look up one day to find that she has literally or figuratively checked out of the relationship.
Choose wisely!
Question:
Ladies: Why is marriage so important to us when a relationship is fine just the way it is?
Fellas: What are the fears that keep you from making the ultimate commitment when you have already made up your mind that she’s the one?
When growing up, I never thought about getting married but I know its different for women. Its probably a 'check' on a check list for things to accomplish when they get older. I think one thing we are scared of when it comes to marriage is just failure it self. Since its something that wasn't anywhere on a Man's list of things to accomplish while growing up. Most of us dont have a timeline to get this accomplished like most Women. So, we want to make sure its the right decision within ourselves first before we can consider it being right for two people next. Its something that can't be rushed even though it may not be going as quickly as the woman wants. This is a decision that you can't take back...even if after you are married and the marriage fails...it will be caried with you forever. Everyone hates to fail but marriage is something that you definitely don't want to fail at.
ReplyDeleteSpeaking for myself & probably the majority of 'responsible' men, making the commitment to marriage is predicated on the overall confidence that man has to have in hisself to be able to provide the things he feels he needs to be able to provide such as financial stability & security. No 'responsible' man wants to fail his woman in these general areas but at the same time, if he feels he has more work to do as far as completing himself so he can be a responsible husband, it comes off as disinterest to his his woman. Because most men aren't good at expressing themselves, our women are left to project & assume a man's natural feelings. I say; talk & communicate more. Understand each other's ambitions & personal goals before making any kind of commitment an ultimatum.
ReplyDeletegreat blog BF
As my brothers have stated in their comments, the thing that men that are serious about marriage are the most afraid of is failure. Failure that the woman you pledged to spend the rest of your life with decides she can no longer be around you. Also the knowledge that with divorce, from a man's perspective, we lose more. There will be hurt feelings on both sides but men risk losing their children as well as money and other possessions.
ReplyDeleteI fully understand a woman's fear of waiting for a man and he ends up not choosing her, therefore I would never ask a woman to wait on me. I think one of the main differences is that we as Men are expected to bring everything to the table before marriage while women believe that they are supposed to hold somethings back until marriage. We as men will give you our positive and negative aspects while dating so you know what you are getting. But we are forced to have to wonder what you will be like after marriage. We figure, the longer the dating period, the better we know what we are getting.
I think this is one issue where both sides are right and there is very little middle ground.
Well speaking for myself I can say getting married was never on my to do list growing up so I never gave it any thought until I met my husband. I feel when you find someone you both feel like the relation is right and feel like this is it the why not get married. Their will never be a perfect time or place and never enough money to provide for each other. Men tend to want to wait until they have it all but while they are racing to get it all on that fast track they lose everything. I say to women you can never force a man to do anything they don't want to. The only thing you are forcing the men to do is hurt you because they will leave you before marrying you or marry you cheat and leave you later on. So the question shouldn't be weather on not to marry but once is you married does it change the relationship? I don't think it should. Married to me is just a legal way of saying keep your hands of my milk unless we share the same last name.
ReplyDelete